I have never written anything personal and introspective on here before so make the most of it.

I think life becomes more of a mystery to me the older I get.

I turn 33 in three weeks and since I'm no closer to finding a purpose I'm starting to wonder if in fact there is a purpose at all.

In the last six years I have "escaped" to New Zealand for 10 months, gone through two medium term relationships, changed jobs, returned to college, changed my image and lost 25% of my body weight.

But the more things change the more they stay the same.  Underlying all that is still a general malaise about life at all and an arrogant reaction to those who embrace the things I see no value in.

Walking around the supermarket today I listened to irritating kids whining and their flustered parents trying to cajole them in to being well behaved.  On the walk home I passed this tired, hungover-looking middle-aged guy with a beer belly out mowing his lawn. 

These two images represent the sort of life I have no interest in right now.  It's okay to be 22 and not wish to embrace such a single life existence but at 32?  Doesn't society dictate that I should want a life partner and a couple of children to come in and visit me when I'm in a home and need help going to the toilet?

Several of my friends are married now and have kids.  It all happened in the last five years for them.  Martin met his girl in 2002 and they married 2 years later.  They have a second child on the way now.  Sean met Micka�le in 1998 and they were married in 2001.  They have two kids.  Dave and Tom have two kids (not together) and Marina has just had one. 

While I'm very happy that they are happy I really have no interest in this sort of thing.  How could one take pleasure from being told that they have to go to her family's house for some get-together, from having kids hanging off you when trying to watch the game, from coping with the financial stress of bringing up a family?

You only have to look at the frightening stats.  Looks at the amount of single people with kids on MySpace - seperated or divorced.  This life is not for everyone.  There are plenty of people who deep down feel like me but who rush - one could argue, against their better judgement - in to a situation and find when they have it that it's not what they wanted at all.

In the last few weeks I have become conscious of three people I know falling head-over-heels for someone.  While my encouraging reaction to them is genuine, their dreamy-eyed accounts of what it's like fall on my deaf ears and eyes.  I just can't relate.  Maybe I want everyone else to be as cautious as me, to put some time and space between them and this new beau.  Only then can you make rational decisions with your head as well as your heart.  Isn't love rational?

Life is a gamble.  I might look back when I'm 52 and regret not having children or regret breaking up with the girl who wanted me to walk down the aisle.  But I feel I will make the right decisions.  And if I'm still on MySpace in 2026, I'll let you all know.